Alise and I have been blogging for a long time now. A very long time indeed. Why, I can remember when the dinosaurs roamed the earth and I was carving my thoughts about the latest addition to the library of Alexandria onto a stone tablet. Every night we force ourselves to the dusty computer desks, our knuckles cracking as we churn out our next post. Once or twice we’ve even had a heart attack because we got to excited about some awesome blog post we read. It’s surprising we haven’t started haunting authors from the grave yet. You can bet our brains almost disintegrated when we came up with the concept for this feature (thought up by me, of course. I am the brains of the operation. Alise is the slave driver and Rachel’s the pretty new face)
What’s it all about? Well, since we’re old, grumpy crones who have collected a lot of knowledge about blogging over the years, we thought we might share some of our wisdom. It’s time to pass down the tradition and tell you the secrets ways of all that is blogging. You’d be crazy not to follow these tips. They’ve lead to our success of dominating the blogosphere. Soon we will be big enough to conquer the world!
**Now, I have stress: THIS IS NOT A SERIOUS POST. This feature is meant to be ridiculous and not actually helpful in any way. It’s just a bit of fun and an excuse for me to unleash the crazy in my brain. None of the advice given in this feature should be taken as Gospel, nor should you believe some of comments I make in jest**
How to Conquer the Book Blogging World.
(A.K.A How One Starts a Book Blog)
Step 1: Choose a platform
The very first decision one must make as a prospective blogger is the means by which one will spread their message. There’s sites like Tumblr which will trap you in its sticky web and never release you. Blogger is a option for those cheapskates and halfwits. WordPress is where the cool kids with money are at, utilising all the plugins at their disposal to collect readers brains. You could choose the really old skill option of the flayed skin of your enemies, it certainly gets people’s attention. Whatever you choose, it is vital you choose something you like as it is the scaffold you must use to become one hell of a blogger.
Step 2: Stalk your favourite bloggers
The blogging community is BIG. If you want to make it to the top, you need to follow everyone. Hunt down their address, stakeout their house. Follow them around for days and weeks. Watch them in their natural habitats. Learn the secrets to their success and take them as your own. Discover their weaknesses and save them. You’ll need those later to pull them from their pedestal so you can be top blogger.
Step 3: Sell your soul to obtain the perfect design
A good design is vital. People judge a blog’s design just like they’d judge a book cover. If your blog does not conform to the communities standards of beauty you will turn a lot of potential minions away. Sell your soul to ensure your blogs appearance is as captivating as possible. Minions eyes should never leave the screen. Their gaze should be trapped and held until the end of time.
Step 4: Force your opinions on others
Time to start posting! Write reviews, discussion post, propaganda. Your opinion is the one and only and all minions should follow. Subliminal messages and some brain washing is an essential part of your posts to ensure readers will stay on your blog and ignore competitors. You are the one and only Booktator. If anyone threatens your dominance of the blogosphere they must be swiflty dealt with. None must question your rule.
Step 5: Gather your army
With the posts and brain washing comes your minions. Constantly post good content to draw more people to your blog. Do not let them leave. Coerce your competitor’s followers to follow you. Use any and all methods at your disposal to convince the reluctant ones. Bribes, threats, and hostage taking are all acceptable means of building your readership.
Posts that will actually help you:
– Why You Should Start a Book Blog | Happy Indulgence
– 24 Things No One Ever Tells You About Book Blogging | Novel Sounds
– How to Start a Book Blog #1: Setting Up the Blog | Awesome Book Assessment
– So You Want to be a Book Blogger | Lit Up Review
– How to Start a Book Blog | The Guardian
– Starting a Book Blog | Compelled By Books (Tumblr directed)
– FAQ: Book Blogging, Reviews, ARCs, and More! | awordshaker (also Tumblr directed but still good tips)
So what do you think of our new feature? Again, I remind you it’s just a bit of crazy fun! None of our tips are to be taken seriously. If you want helpful tips when it comes to starting a book blog see the links above.
Do you have any tips for prospective book bloggers?